Monthly Archives: February 2010

At war…..with myself.


I am fighting an inward battle. This battle is not near as serious as one who might be fighting off a deadly disease or illness, but it takes it’s toll nonetheless.

See, I have a choice to make within the next couple days, if not sooner, as to whether or not to send my twin boys back to our church preschool. I have nothing but praise for the school, so it is not anything like that. It’s just that, well, my boys are only 3 years old. And I’m worried. Worried about phonics. Yes, you read that correct, phonics.

See, the first 3 kiddos went to public school and their teachers taught them how to¬† start reading. When Liz started out in homeschool though, her reading skills left much to be desired. So I had to start with 1st grade phonics and can I be brutally honest? I h-a-t-e-d teaching phonics. Too many rules and dipthongs and all that. Yuck. I think getting my teeth pulled might be less painful. Now, she is reading, albeit probably not at the level of some of her peers, but it’s still reading! There are so many questions swimming around in my cranium right now, let me let you peek inside:

What if I am missing out on something really special by not keeping them home next year?

They are only 3 once. And 4 too. This time is so precious. I am capable of teaching them phonics, but two of them? Am I cut out for that? I don’t know that I did that great of a job with Liz, and I don’t want my kids to suffer because of my teaching skills, or lack thereof. I think it’s kind of contradictory for me to pay tuition for a preschool when I am a stay-at-homeschool mom, but money is not really the issue. These are my children to raise and to teach and love, and by golly if Michelle Duggar can do it with 19 kids, then why can’t I? It is so much easier to go to appointments, the library, out to breakfast-when they are in school. Is this Satan putting doubts in my head, either way, or am I slowly losing it? This is after all, preschool.

I might need someone to come over here and splash some cold water in my face. I have vacillated on this decision for a while now and we are really down to the wire here. I’ve been praying and seeking wisdom but am still unsure. I don’t think this is supposed to be this difficult.

So why am I at war, with myself?

Changing the course of history-doesn’t feel like it some days

It’s been one of “those” days, at our home today. You know, the days where your son will not listen or focus on his schoolwork, and your daughters are arguing while the two younger boys slowly and almost methodically undo every bit of housework you already accomplished for the day. Sigh. When I have these days, the Enemy puts thoughts into my head that I just need to send them all back to public school and get it over with. But for what? For a cleaner house? For less noise in the home?
I came across this poem on another homeschooling mama’s website and it was exactly what I needed today. No one has perfect kids or a perfect home and there is actually beauty in that. When we realize we don’t have to be perfect, there is an inward letting go, a release, really. I hope it blesses you as much as it did me.

Here is her website:

When the sink is full of dirty dishes only minutes after you cleaned the kitchen,
realize this–You are changing the course of history.

When you emulate the Proverbs 31 woman and your lamp truly did not go out the night before because of a sick child,
know this–You are changing the course of history.

When that new outfit that you spent three weeks sewing for your dear child is stained and ruined three days later,
remember this–You are changing the course of history.

When the house is falling apart, company is on the way and Dear Husband doesn’t see your need for a helping hand,
take hold of this–You are changing the course of history.

When you discover that the perfect curriculum you spent too much money on is NOT so perfect and your child is crying over her lessons,
be encouraged with this–You are changing the course of history.

When your children scored low on the CAT or SAT, ABC, or the XYZ and the relatives and neighbors are convinced that you are ruining your children’s lives,
believe this–You are changing the course of history.

When you’re tempted to send them off to the new little private school down the road that is offering a wonderful discount,
understand this–You are changing the course of history.

When the ‘high school’ years loom over you like a specter and you realize you are inadequate for the job,
don’t forget this–You are changing the course of history.

When you feel you have searched the city and still can’t find a kindred heart who shares your passion,
listen to this– You are changing the course of history.

When your quiver is full but at 4O plus years of age you realize another arrow is headed your way,
be thankful in this–You are changing the course of history!

…and through it all, The One who sees all, quietly whispers in a loving voice, “I know, my Daughter. I know.”

Listen and you will hear.